Jane Journaling to a better place

Hi, my name is Jane Tekin, and I’m 22 years old. Last year I graduated from Williams College in EHi, my name is Jane Tekin, and I’m 22 years old. Last year I graduated from Williams College in English and Environmental Studies. I have two sisters: Melisa, 26, and Ela, 16. They live in Queens, where we were born and raised. They live together, with Melisa's boyfriend, because us sisters had to become estranged from our parents.

I was the first to leave my parents' house, and I have Williams College to thank for that. Williams College gave me resources, but more importantly, the people of Williamstown taught me (and continue to teach me) the things I never learned and could certainly never learn in academia. Particularly, the simple fact that it's possible to be utterly yourself and be loved at the same time. This is still a truth I am getting to know, slowly, but beautifully.

Melisa became estranged next, and just this past summer, Ela left, too. The abuse was intolerable. I am overjoyed that we're all free now. Finally, after so many years. The huge leaden weight of knowing that I had left my little sister at home with my evil parents was honestly deadening, if there is a word for it. If I let myself think of it for too long, even now, I unravel. How can you leave someone you love, when you know they're in the face of danger? And my little sister is more than a sister--she's my fellow warrior.

Now that we've emerged from the fire, crossed the finish line, finally gotten out, you'd expect things to be perfect. The reality is that it is very difficult raising a teenager, especially from hours away. Ela is financially dependent on me; Melisa tries to keep her sheltered, fed, and physically safe. The reality is that the past still weighs on me all the time, and as relieved as I am to be moving forward, I am haunted by my past and struggle each day to keep my mind rooted in reality and focused on a positive future. Ever since I left Queens, I developed PTSD and ADHD because I would dissociate and go into fight-or-flight mode because I'd be triggered by everything.

My goal is to get into a better place, mentally. I really lack self-esteem, and it's time for me to rise. Puff up my feathers. This is starting with daily journaling--a simple 15 minutes each day to just be honest with myself about how I'm feeling, even if it's bad. I used journaling while I was a child and teen, and it helped immensely to get my through the tough times, even though the things I wrote were really dark. A great mother (not mine) once said: you're allowed to feel bad. You're just not allowed to make anyone else feel bad, because you do. :)

Do you have any suggestions for clearing away past traumas, dealing with a lot of responsibility and generally getting your sh&^ together?!?!!!